The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.