I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
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Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format