Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
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MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.