I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
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Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
An odd boast
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My love language is hissing.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”