Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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2022: I can fix it
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old