What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I am having an out of money experience.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.