Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
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People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
The “baby” on the left….
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Rt to bother an English speaker
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please