God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
You Might Also Like
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.