If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
You Might Also Like
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Penguins walking in 5x speed
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
White parent Vs Arab parents
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5