Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
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I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The first matador
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Had an epiphany today.