if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers