Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.