I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
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Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.