ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
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Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”