Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.