*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
You Might Also Like
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.