Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
You Might Also Like
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off