what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
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A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Check out the legs on this baby
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache