Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
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Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*