I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down