Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.