I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
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I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead