Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
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[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.