I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
BETRAYAL
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.