I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*