Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
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4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention