Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
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[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Encore…
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign