11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
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I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
#math
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
the prophecies have been fulfilled
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot