5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.