[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
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[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
When your parents check you’re ok.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”