If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
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If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
subtitles are so good nowadays
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.