My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.