“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.