Made a playlist for your weekend hike
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I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
The real reason evolution started..😂
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry