Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
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I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
grotesque if literal: baby food
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I don’t get marriage
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
According to math, I’m broke
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar