I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
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HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.