[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
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pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
🙋♀️
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday