If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Pikachu found the lost joint
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Bring back the McRib
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*