Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
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God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Battery falling down a hole
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them