My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
That took me a moment.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.