someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.