Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time