“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
You Might Also Like
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”