If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I bet
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”