Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
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Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.