I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
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My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.