When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
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Sorry. Not sorry
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HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
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“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
LMAO.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house