Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader