Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
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People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name