Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
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Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance